"This isn't what I wanted..."

“This isn’t what I wanted, I can’t believe I am in this dark place…I actually asked God to take the cancer away from someone good and have him give it to me instead”
-yours truly on 07/02/10

On July 18th, I wrote this in my journal, although I have a various mixture of vivid and vague memories in my mind, after going through  my personal journal (among other things) and found myself rereading some of my past journal entries I had written and this one was about a week less of one year to the date that I was put on Methadone Maintenance. Yep, I was clean. I had not used drugs since July 27, 2010 but that was the only part of me in one year that had began and remained the same. Most of that year included many, many doctors appointments for physical and mental health, many mental breakdowns in front of my mom and lots and lots of sleeping and watching TV.

I had taken the drug that I was addicted to out of my life and added a new one that was supposed to be making my life livable again. It did its job and helped me refrain from going to do another hit. What it didn’t do was make my life livable again, at least not in the way the doctors said it would.

I really don’t know what this blog is supposed to be for, who it is supposed to be for or how its going to help me in anyway. All I know is that with all these memories I have mentally and physically documented well, and I don’t know what to do with the memories and the thoughts. I don’t know where they are supposed to go actually. My counselor says that the memories and the feelings should fade the more I move forward with my life and honestly they have in a huge way but what if thats not enough? Will I forever just have such blunt memories waiting outside the Baccarat Casino in probably +20 weather, laying in the back of the skungy parking lot on this hill of rocks waiting for my dope dealer. I was waiting for him for 2 or 3 hours and when he does finally show I come to find that he was just on the other side of the skungy rocky hill but I was too dope sick to walk around and look…..and THEN I still had to make up a story of why I really needed a front (and I really did need that front)…luckily, due to the vast difference in your “typical” drug addict and me, I was always fronted most of my drugs.

Life on house arrest isn’t too bad right now, I have realized that I am not in the right state of mind to move forward with any real work right now and so hopefully next week I will be full of energy and be able to get some of my 150 hours of community service done! WOOHOO!

At least I’m not in jail……eh?

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